Losing battles right and left

[Sara Neeley]

I haven't been able to attend the Tuesday classes so what I am to share may have been addressed already. My son has been in the program almost two years. At first he was winning and became a general. Then he would lose a battle here and there. He has a girlfriend. I am torn because she is a nice girl and encourages him to do right. But the strength of youth discourages pairing off at 16. At the same time I want him to have a healthy relationship but on the other hand they are together too much. Lately he has been losing battles.  Once a month then once every two weeks then once a week and today four times before 4pm!  He is so discouraged. He said that once in a day or a thousand times in a day counts as one lost battle but he feels so defeated.  He feels unworthy to be with anyone. His 17th birthday is tomorrow and he doesn't want anyone doing anything for him. Spring break is hard. His youngest sister is home from her mission and another sister is here for a month so his routine is off.  I can't get him to go to bed at a decent hour so he is tired when school is on or sleeps in when it is off. He says no one can help him. He knows what he needs to do and just needs to do it. He has been attending group once a week. He has never talked to his dad about his battles. I am sure his dad had struggles too but he steps back and allows me to be the one to talk to him. I feel like there is more I should be doing.

[Christie Christiansen]

Sara,

I just want you to know from one mom warrior to another that this is a hard battle, don't give up hope.  I have 3 sons in the program in and out for the past 1 1/2 years.  I know at times it is frustrating, especially for them when they are loosing hope. Love him and be his biggest cheerleader.

Maybe see if he would like a priesthood blessing and talk with his therapist and see if he has any suggestions.  I switched therapist with one of my sons and it helped. 

Continue praying and fasting for him. 

Hugs,

christie

On Tue, Mar 29, 2016 at 6:37 PM, Sara Neeley <neele...@gmail.com> wrote:

I haven't been able to attend the Tuesday classes so what I am to share may have been addressed already. My son has been in the program almost two years. At first he was winning and became a general. Then he would lose a battle here and there. He has a girlfriend. I am torn because she is a nice girl and encourages him to do right. But the strength of youth discourages pairing off at 16. At the same time I want him to have a healthy relationship but on the other hand they are together too much. Lately he has been losing battles.  Once a month then once every two weeks then once a week and today four times before 4pm!  He is so discouraged. He said that once in a day or a thousand times in a day counts as one lost battle but he feels so defeated.  He feels unworthy to be with anyone. His 17th birthday is tomorrow and he doesn't want anyone doing anything for him. Spring break is hard. His youngest sister is home from her mission and another sister is here for a month so his routine is off.  I can't get him to go to bed at a decent hour so he is tired when school is on or sleeps in when it is off. He says no one can help him. He knows what he needs to do and just needs to do it. He has been attending group once a week. He has never talked to his dad about his battles. I am sure his dad had struggles too but he steps back and allows me to be the one to talk to him. I feel like there is more I should be doing.

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[alisa]

Sara,

I feel the same way. My son will be 18 in a few weeks and we get on such a good groove then I will be around the corner and hear him admit to his dad or on the group class that he's had 2 or 4 or 5 lost battles that week. He is hanging out with better friends now and doing things to keep himself super busy which helped for awhile - he only had 2 lost battles in a month and I thought we were turning a corner, but he does the same thing ... he stays up super late at night and then cannot avoid the temptation and caves in. We've taken the doors off his room and bathroom, told him not to go upstairs and to sleep on the couch if necessary, told him to shower in our bathroom, he has regular meetings with the Bishop, we have frequent discussions with him and text him several times a day to ask him if he is winning the day. It is sooooo frustrating. I never let him see my frustration, but there are times I want to bang my head against the wall and wring his little neck! I feel like he's not even trying sometimes. He is making the conscious decision to keep staying up late at night. He's making the conscious decision to stay in the shower too long. Whatever it is. I want him to be good long enough to be able to get his patriarchal blessing so he can hear all of the wonderful blessings the Lord has in store for him. He's prayed with the Bishop on their knees to bury the weapons. He came home and told us about what a spiritual experience that was. He cried as he told us. I know he wants to change and be better. I just don't know what else to do to help him. His older brother is on a mission and writes letters of encouragement to him. We have had talks with the stake president and he is going to start meeting with our son as well as another line of defense. But the stake president told us until there is a good amount of time that our son is cleared he cannot put his mission papers in. He said that roughly 60% of missionaries are struggling with this problem! I couldn't believe that. At first I was upset that the stake pres. wanted him to be clean for so many months, but after he told me that it all made sense. The mission presidents are getting tired of dealing with this problem too, I'm sure. I jokingly told my son I was going to duck tape his hands and that would help him out for awhile. :) I'm so thankful he feels he can talk with us about this problem and he doesn't feel he has to bear it alone. I just wish I knew how to help him turn the corner and keep strong.

[Shauna Herrick]

Does he work his program at all,?   The six things in the book. ? Until they choose to work the program, just not losing s battle won't work.

 I feel for you, my son struggles daily .  He said though until he chooses to really work the program nothing will happen..

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

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[STEVE AMY SLACK]

I feel compelled to respond although I don't know that what I have to offer is something that you have not already heard.  The thing that I have to remember is, discouragement is one of Satan's favorite tools.  It is what is defeating some of our sons.  If we don't believe there is hope and better days to come then why are we having our boys go to this program?  It is going to take some time.  Lots of time for some.  Have patience, hope and be a constant supporter.  I continue to spend lots of time pondering and on my knees.  Everything will work out in the end. 

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From: mof...@googlegroups.com <mof...@googlegroups.com> on behalf of Shauna Herrick <skher...@hotmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, March 30, 2016 2:05 PM
To: Mof...@googlegroups.com
Subject: RE: Losing battles right and left

 

[Juno]

Thanks for sharing your feelings. My prayers are for all those struggling that desire longterm recovery that they may have fill recovery. I pray just one day at a time for my adult married son. I have studied and learned about this addiction and realize their will he set backs but their will be progress made also.  Just keep praying. I undersrand the heartache. Hang in there!

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[Juno]

Thanks for your encouraging words that all will work out in the end!

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[Tricia Kunz]

We had one boy successfully complete the program but the other could not.  Finally I took him out and went back to LDS social services and we are working our own plan that seems to be working.  Being with the other boys and hearing or knowing of their losses all the time seemed to encourage him to lose even though we were working every single detail of the plan.  I went with him to the bishop this last time because he is always a little unsure about what went on.  We reviewed with the bishop what we are teaching and learning, what we are doing, where we are losing and adjusting, and what the exact requirements are for his recovery:  1 month of abstinence to take the sacrament and 2 months of abstinence to return to the temple.   The bishop told us our boy needs priesthood service so we are really working on that.  Any service done by him is priesthood service so he is cleaning the church, taking cookies around, helping out more at home, doing more family history, helping neighbors,  etc.  School work is a pretty big chore but he really relishes priesthood service and is feeling really good about that.  Every 7 days of abstinence we are giving a reward and every night we, husband and him and I discuss what he has read and taken notes on in his personal scripture study and what our scripture reading says to him that day.  He is also working through the church's addiction recovery program 1/2 hour a day and reporting to us, husband and I.  Good luck, don't give up.  I felt like I was a helicopter parent but the therapist told me to do more, not less so we are giving it everything we've got and the saving grace of the Savior.    

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Subject: Re: Losing battles right and left

From: debbies...@juno.com
Date: Wed, 30 Mar 2016 16:24:22 -0600
To: Mof...@googlegroups.com

[Kathy Woolley]

Could I suggest a sexual addiction counselor from lifestar in conjunction with sons of helaman. And  90 DAYS straight of going to sa meetings whether they are lds sa groups or community based sa groups. But 90 days straight. And working the lifestar program helps them understand why they are struggling , the rewiring of the brain etc .

Sent using CloudMagic Email

[Roslyn Boren]

I believe God gives us help and answers from many sources. Last night I was listening to a broadcast on Mormon Channel and I think it is an answer I am looking for for my son who is 25 and stuck (not progressing) 

 

The therapist specifically talks about pornography towards the end of the broadcast but the whole broadcast is really good.

 

Both of these broadcasts (links below) give very good insight into changing our thoughts feelings and behaviors.  I have done a lot of research/reading on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, but I learned something new from these broadcasts.

 

I think these will help you to help him.

 

 

https://www.mormonchannel.org/listen/series/insights-audio/think-about-what-you-are-thinking-about-episode-15

 

 

https://www.mormonchannel.org/listen/series/insights-audio/creating-and-sustaining-wellness-episode-16

 

 

most of all – don’t give up! I have a poster on my wall that says Never, Never, Never, Never, Ever Give Up!  It helps me when I get discouraged. 

 

Also its all about perspective:  this earth life is so short: one day-  one week- one month-  one year-   ten years of struggle will seem like a minute in comparison to the rest of our eternity. 

 

And do we not think that God (who created men with the desire to want to view women) understands their struggles?

 

This is Satan’s last chance to pull us all down before he is bound, and he is trying his hardest.  We just have to try harder and know that he cannot win!  Not on our watch!!!!!!!

 

we all feel your pain and we are all in this together.

Roslyn Boren

mother of 5 boys and 4 girls

[Leah Smith]

I think about the woman in the New Testament who suffered with a blood disease for 12 years before touching the hem of the Savior's clothing & was healed. Everyone of these young men struggle differently. Both of my sons are in the program. One son took over a year to become a general & the other took 13 weeks. The thing that helps the most in our family is we have a calendar in the kitchen that they mark a smiley face on each day they win & a frowny face on each day they loose. We also have passwords on all tvs & computers & cell phones don't have internet. We also have a picture of the Savior in every room including bathrooms as a reminder. Also on tvs & on the computer. Sometimes you just have to take it hour by hour. Know that you have a lot of people praying for you & your son. 

Sent from my iPhone

On Mar 29, 2016, at 6:37 PM, Sara Neeley <neele...@gmail.com> wrote:

I haven't been able to attend the Tuesday classes so what I am to share may have been addressed already. My son has been in the program almost two years. At first he was winning and became a general. Then he would lose a battle here and there. He has a girlfriend. I am torn because she is a nice girl and encourages him to do right. But the strength of youth discourages pairing off at 16. At the same time I want him to have a healthy relationship but on the other hand they are together too much. Lately he has been losing battles.  Once a month then once every two weeks then once a week and today four times before 4pm!  He is so discouraged. He said that once in a day or a thousand times in a day counts as one lost battle but he feels so defeated.  He feels unworthy to be with anyone. His 17th birthday is tomorrow and he doesn't want anyone doing anything for him. Spring break is hard. His youngest sister is home from her mission and another sister is here for a month so his routine is off.  I can't get him to go to bed at a decent hour so he is tired when school is on or sleeps in when it is off. He says no one can help him. He knows what he needs to do and just needs to do it. He has been attending group once a week. He has never talked to his dad about his battles. I am sure his dad had struggles too but he steps back and allows me to be the one to talk to him. I feel like there is more I should be doing.

--

[Karen Broadhead]

I love being part of Mothers Who Know!!!

All you amazing Mothers and your warrior hearts are inspiring and the way you take time to follow the spirit and respond to one anothers concerns and fears is awesome.

I am inspired and love to read all of these.

This is exactly what we covenanted to do when baptized...Mourn with those that mourn...we do this for each other and for our loved ones. (Daughters, Sons, Husbands, Families)

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

Mosiah 18:8-10

Yours in the Fight...WE WILL WIN!!!