Often a hostess, but rarely a guest
News Desk
Often a hostess, but rarely a guest
June 13, 2006
DEAR AMY: Most of us function on the adage, "What goes around comes
around," right? I am 60 years old, well educated and well traveled. I
was a wife for 31 years, have two grown children and have had a
fulfilling career. All of my married life, I supported my husband and
children in their pursuits and sacrificed my own needs without
resentment. This is what one does for family. I have severe
osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, and I walk with the help of a cane,
but I am still able to work part-time. My husband found someone else,
and we had an amicable divorce. Over the years, I have entertained and
treated hundreds of people with gladness, but I have found very little
reciprocation. I am liked and respected by colleagues, acquaintances,
etc., and I do not ask for help. I rarely receive invitations, even
though I frequently invite people over. Where did I go wrong? I always
felt that at this stage, I would be looking toward retirement with
someone I had built a life with and who would be there to support me.
And I thought I would have some real friends - none of which has
happened. I have two brothers whom I have not seen for 15 years. I wake
up sometimes regretting that I woke up. Your thoughts?
Alone
DEAR ALONE: My first reaction is that you are depressed, and for many
very good reasons.
It's possible that if you had sacrificed fewer of your own needs during
the time you were a wife and mother, then you might have more personal
resources to draw upon now that you are alone. Your children, for
instance, would have been raised with the idea that their mother is an
individual whose needs should be respected (along with their own). They
should be rallying around you now and helping you to feel part of a
vibrant family unit.
You should do two things now. Ask your physician for a referral to a
therapist, and also reach out for support. The National Fibromyalgia
Association lists support groups on its Web site: www.fmaware.org.