THESE ARE SOME OF THE FUNNIEST ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGSE EVER!! SORRY
IF I ALREADY SENT YOU THESE....
========================================================================

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on
and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We
aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple
and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to
suffer through another long answering machine message when you call
me...

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

[Very fast:] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number and the time you
called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk
loud and BEEP.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call.

[In a bored voice:] Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as
soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the
answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name
and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a
message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you
could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about
myself. Thanks.

[Drunken voice:] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to
respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your
name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday
was the last day of the previous period of your life.
After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other,
informative message. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give
me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might
even play my beep for you.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain,
there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you
want it on screen?

[Star Trek theme in the background:] [Voice 1:] Room 17, the final
frontier.
[Voice 2:] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its
two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
[Voice 3:] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the
tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car
at all times. Enjoy your ride.

[Darth Vader voice:] Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone
right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread,
unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and
number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a
channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast
into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents
are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to
phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at
the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to
arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the
ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still
made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet
firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as
soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal
charges.

I'm gone.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.
[Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest
exciting message.]

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don't you ever
wonder what life would be like? ...

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and
I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the
Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a
message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular
loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno,
bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well,
sometimes I do. Bye.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me
pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle:
Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops
abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a
chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and
miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before
I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone
right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the
tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a
little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like
this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you
go!

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke
signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now,
so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly
about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the
following words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave
me a message....etc.

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This
is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the
beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network.
To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password.
Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5...4...3...2...1...

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the
money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of
hiding.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you
beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone,
sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening toit...I mean, like,
wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's
word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or
arrhenotky...}

[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone
now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message,
and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a
massage--my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only
supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....Bwana fella no home now, so you
fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real
fas'.